What if?
by AddisonSp
Summary: Spoiler-prompted one shot that my imagination went wild with.


**This is just a one-shot prompted by a spoiler I read about a potential upcoming plot line (could be completely untrue). But potential Spoiler ALERT anyway. After reading one sentence from an interview, I couldn't get the idea out of my head. **

**Also, this incorporates little patterns of behavior I've observed in the last few episodes…I've brought the two ideas together. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Just needed to get this out of my system…**

* * *

_May, 2013 _

She'd been ignoring it. Some things were just better left alone, even if they wouldn't lay in wait for long. She supposed that it was denial, the reality of a potential truth too much to take, so she'd rather live with the ambiguity.

She'd been living there for weeks and she knew that if things ended badly today… if she'd ignored her intuition for so long, and things ended badly… he'd never forgive her. He would never get over this, whether or not she survived.

* * *

It was supposed to be simple, in and out. There wasn't any sign that there was danger, no warnings or red flags. It was just a routine investigation. That is until she felt the tell-tale click under her heel. Her blood ran cold and panic filled her.

She was paralyzed with fear and he couldn't understand what the problem was. "Kate?" He inquired as he approached her still frame, reaching out to touch her arm.

"No!"She shot back, her hand up to signal that he stay back. She bent her knees slightly in order to avoid locking them, bracing herself to be absolutely still.

"Don't touch me Castle!" She shouted, the terror evident in her voice.

"What?" He was confused by her sudden shift in behavior. "Kate, what is it?"

"Don't touch me, Castle. Please, just get back." She pointed down,

"I stepped on something. I heard it. I heard it click, Castle." Her eyes were wide and there was no mistaking the raw panic there.

Reality dawned on him as he caught on. _Oh God._ He panicked. _No. Please, no._

They'd been investigating a series of deaths, all linked with hand-made explosives. They didn't have any suspects yet, aside from a person of interest they wanted to talk with. They were just going to chat with him.

He wasn't supposed to be _the guy._ They never would have wandered out here if they thought that there would be explosives.

Evidently, they got lucky, or if the pale and foreboding expression on Beckett's face was any indicator, very unlucky.

"Castle. I need you to call 911," She took a deep breath, steadying her body to avoid movement, she continued.

" I need you to get a bomb squad in here. I need you to go outside and wait for them." Her voice barely masked her fear. Kate Beckett had been through enough training to understand that once the device had been triggered, the only thing keeping it from detonating was her weight. Movement would set it off. If she took pressure off they would both die.

In the very least she could make him go. "Castle please!" She urged him again.

"Kate, I'm not leaving you. I won't." He pleaded with her to not make him.

"Please," she begged him, her eyes wide and watery. "Please, Castle. Just let me know you are safe."

"No." He spoke authoritatively. There was a tone in his voice that wasn't to be argued with. "I'm not leaving you. Where you go, I go." His expression was as absolute as his words.

A tear slipped down her cheek. "I'm so sorry, Castle." She willed him to feel everything that she couldn't communicate to him, to know how much she needed him.

"Kate," He stood across from her, wanting desperately to hold her, to just touch her.

"I'm sorry." She spoke again, a tremor in her voice.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, Kate." He assured her. Willing her to understand how much he loved her.

"Yes, Castle. I do." She confessed. "I'm sorry that it always seems to take situations like this for me to get a grip." She held his gaze.

"I'm sorry that I never told you how much you mean to me. How much I lo.."

"Not here!" He interrupted her. Holding his hand up in attempt to silence her.

"You wait." His eyes watered, encompassing the depth of his love for her, "You hold that thought and tell me later." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Nodding her compliance with his request, her inner voice making peace, _At least he knows._

Kate closed her eyes and inhaled sharply, as she attempted to calm herself, she thought back again on the past weeks. She wondered once again if she'd made a horrible mistake. _What if? _

Castle thought she'd grown, that she'd moved past strategies of avoidance. In many ways she had, but not in the big ways. When it came to major, life-changing events, Kate still got cold feet. She still avoided the big stuff, taking things slowly. Too slowly perhaps.

Now, as she stood over the device, unsure whether or not she would survive the day, she would give anything to just _know, _one way or the other._ What if?_

* * *

_March, 2013 (two months earlier)..._

She started to notice something was off a couple of weeks ago. At first it was a nagging sensation in the back of her mind, _something feels different. _She couldn't put her finger on it, and it passed relatively quickly. Either it passed, or she got distracted. Kate still wasn't sure which.

It was shortly after Valentine's day when she got the text from her phone. The text message that would give her reason for concern.

**The Flowers Are Blooming**.

Kate laughed to herself and rolled her eyes as she read the text. She followed the link to the app on her iphone and watched the calendar. Sure enough, the application was correct.

**Fertile Days: February 15****th**** through 22****nd**

**Next Period: March 7****th**

**Days until Next Period: 17 **

There were little flower icons on the calendar indicating where Kate was in her monthly cycle.

She laughed at Lanie when she told her of the app, of all the things to keep track of on your iphone, a menstrual calendar. She didn't bother to check her phone again, getting caught up in their cases.

It really wasn't until several weeks later that the thought really crossed her mind, Ryan and Jenny were in full baby-making mode, and she couldn't help wonder. _What if? _Castle was going on and on about how fathers would do anything for their daughters and she couldn't help but wonder about them, their future. _What if?_

Again, the thought left her mind, as in a sick and ironic twist of fate, the days that followed saw the abduction of Alexis. There was little else to focus on aside from getting Castle's daughter back safely. Kate barely had time to eat and sleep, she certainly wasn't paying attention to anything non-essential.

It was several weeks later when she noticed that nagging feeling again. It was during the case with the creepy death video. Aside from her annoyance at Castle's superstitious behavior, she couldn't seem to get a handle on her emotions. She craved him, _craved him_, and couldn't get her hormones, her _desire_ under control.

Castle certainly didn't complain, but she knew that the incessant need to rip his clothing off would hinder a truly professional working relationship. The boundaries were starting to blur and she needed to get a handle on her body.

She launched the app on her iphone later that day, frustrated by how wanton she'd been acting, trying to seduce him back to her place in the middle of a case, luring him with sexy photography and ice cubes, she couldn't get over how hot she was for him all the time. She waited for the program to load, wanting to get a handle on her cycle; needing to bring the little nagging thought to rest. _What if?_

When she saw the summary her breath caught in her throat,

**Fertile Days: March 9****th**** through March 15****th****. **

**Estimated Next Period: 17 days late. **

**Days until Next Period: 0**

She figured there had to be a mistake. Did she miss her period in February? She honestly couldn't remember. Her brain was fuzzy and with everything going on there was no way to be sure. Still, she was usually better at keeping track of herself.

Were there symptoms? She'd been extra tired by the end of the day. She'd been somewhat moody, shifting from sentimental to turned-on, to irritated at the drop of a hat. But no, surely there was an error in the application. _There has to be a mistake_. She comforted herself with the thought, pushing the uncertainty out of her head. She figured the stress from the recent weeks was really getting to her.

Still, she couldn't stop herself from wondering. Paying attention to her body, looking at her reflection in the mirror and trying to look for….something. She couldn't bring herself to take a test, she wasn't ready for what it might tell her. Besides, she reasoned with herself, she was on the pill. Surely it wasn't possible, was it. _What if?_

Kate decided that she would give it another week, and if nothing changed she'd take a test. She felt satisfied with her decision as she and Castle sat on the couch together, sipping wine while he told her the true story about the mystery name he'd been muttering in his sleep:

**Jordan. **

She took the wine gratefully from him, touching it to her lips before taking pause. She eyed the red liquid in the glass and thought again, _What if?_ Although she wouldn't admit the possibility to herself, she still selected to set the glass aside.

She'd caught herself doing similar things all day. She wouldn't drink her coffee, avoiding it during her chat with Jenny. _What if?_ She was hungry all of the time. Hell, she'd suggested grabbing a bite with Castle even between meals. It was completely abnormal for her. _What if?_

Nevertheless, in the face of her suspicion, Kate couldn't just take a damn test. She wasn't ready to know. She wasn't ready to deal with the aftermath. _What if she was?_ She didn't want to go there. _What if she wasn't?_ The potential of feeling disappointment wasn't something she was comfortable exploring either.

So she went about her business. _I'll deal with it tomorrow,_ turned into a series of _I'll deal with it tomorrows. _If nothing else, the nagging possibility caused to truly take a look at Castle.

_What sort of man was he really? How deep does he go? Why won't he let me see it? Where are we going?_ Any attempt to answer these questions just led to several more, and Kate was starting to drive herself crazy.

So, she did what she always did. She threw herself into the most recent case. A case involving explosives. A routine investigation-turned anything but routine and now here she was. Frozen in panic as she faced down yet another brush with death.

Needing to just know.

_What if?_


End file.
